Tips on How to Survive The Party Season

Everyone loves a party. Right?  Wrong !

Ever had the following night mare "You attend a gathering where the guests are laughing, drinking and making merry. All the while you are standing alone,looking forlorn and lonely.  You fear everyone thinks you are stupid, desperate, fraught with anxiety and craving human contact"?

 I have. Every end of year Christmas party.  Especially those big end of year bashes where the only person you know is the person who came with you. I especially hate my husbands end of year professional membership Christmas Party.   The only time we see these people is at this dinner and the only thing they have in common, for the most part,  is their professional affiliation.  Yawn, Yawn. for anyone who is not an engineer.  Partners are dragged along kicking and screaming on a promise it will be an early night. Before the event I get myself in a twist about what to wear, what conversational starters can I use (the dreaded small talk), who will we share a table with or will we be stranded at a table by ourselves, and how will I orchestrate an early escape without being too obvious.  

Even more daunting is the Solo invite - you know where you have to enter alone, skirt the room and hope you blend in with the wall paper or look busy checking your phone, all the while thinking "Should have phoned in sick - because now I definitely am".  Arrrrgh.

With only 43 days 14 hours and 23 minutes to Christmas, your mail box and inbox are probably being flooded with Christmas Party invites as we speak.  You know you won't be able to say avoid them all so it's time to acquire a few pointers on how to survive the party season.  

Tips and Tricks to not only Survive but Enjoy Parties

Leil Lowndes in her latest book "How to Instantly Connect with Anyone (McGaw Hill, New York, 2009) provides the following advice to avoid the following night mare every party goer has suffered at some point in their life:

1. Be Early - Yes, I know this goes against your instincts and the advice of friends but it might be worth a try.  If you are among the first to arrive you meet everyone as they arrive and become part of a small group of early birds. As more guests arrive the group you are with will introduce you to the newcomers.
   
2. Make a Cross Introduction Pact:  Agree with a friend before hand that you will introduce each other to the other guests you each know thus increasing the number of connections by double.  Best not to assume your buddy will do this automatically - make a verbal agreement.
3. Smile at Other Loners as they Enter the Party: A warm friendly smile will boost their confidence and they will gravitate towards you at some point during the evening.
4. Wave to Imaginary Friends (Not inclined to take this advice Leil - but I'll share anyway): When you are faced with a sea of strange faces, don't stop at the door with a terrified look on your face - glide right in and wave to the spaces between bodies at imaginary people across the room.  Other guests will assume you know lots of people there, you'll feel more confident (I'd feel stupid, but hey Leil, I'll assume you've tested this one and it works) and people will be pleased to speak with you as you appear to be very popular. Love to hear your views on this one guys.  I'm not fussed and won't be trying it any time soon. 
   
5. Conversation Starters: Getting a good conversation going with strangers can be more difficult than starting your car in sub-zero temperatures.  Leil says to get the engine turning over ask someone what their typical day  is like.  Looking for more tips then visit Conversation Starters.com  for some ice breakers and lots more.
6. Forgot Someone's Name (I can do this immediately after I have been introduced and feel like a real klutz when placed in the sadistic social situation where I have to introduce them someone else).  Don't worry we can all be subject to the name forgetting plaque. A great rick, that doesn't fool anyone but is acceptable is to ask them to "Please introduce yourselves"  Works best if 3 - 4 people are present. If like me, you weren't listening properly at the start of the conversation, finish by saying "It's really been great talking to you .  Once again my name is ......." Then give an expectant look without actually asking their name.  Leil says their is a 90% chance they will restate their name. 
7. Avoiding Hard core bores and other party poopers: Check out my blog on Social Pigs
   
8. Tip from the Wise Monkeys:  they see no hanky-panky, hear no hanky- panky and speak no hank-panky.  Just don't gossip -you never know who might be listening.  I was recently told a story about a young man who couldn't help telling a work colleague about the "new hottie working in the bakery" only to find out he was talking to said "hottie's" mother. Red faced young man on the retreat I should think.

And some others:

• Seek out the Golden Girls:"Find the oldies!", says Sydney sider Amy Rudder. It's true, they love a chat, they'll make sure you're fed, chattered and thoroughly interrogated in the most charming of ways.
  
• Prepare a Snappy Introduction: Psychology Today also advises introverts to: "prepare a snappy way to introduce yourself… prepare a line or two to introduce yourself with flourish to avoid that generic 'I'm an accountant' effect."
• Pace Yourself: You don't have to accept every invitation and you don't have to be the last to leave.  You can even take a breathe while at a party by stepping out for a breath of fresh air if it gets too much. Find yourself a time out space if necessary.
• Keep Busy: Having nothing to do gives you too much time to fret. If possible, consider hosting an event so you can keep busy, or volunteer to help out the host in the kitchen
  
• Have a Goal for the Evening:It could be to meet someone to date, talk to someone new or catch up with the guest of honour.  Eric Ravencraft in his article "How to Survive a Party or Social gathering as an Introvert recommends you have a goal to help you focus. He says " Having a goal helps you define what you want to accomplish in an outing, but more importantly, it keeps your brain focused. Part of the problem introverts have with big social gatherings is the constant flood of external stimulus. By giving yourself a specific task, you occupy your brain so it's less focused on the thumping music or bright lights .  
• Prepare Yourself: Whenever possible, make sure to take some time for yourself before you head out for an evening of socializing. Relax.  Dress to Impress but according to the correct dress standard (black tie v casual). Read about some topical issues to generate small talk and when you're feeling pumped up, head out for the shindig.
  
   
• Prepare an escape Plan: Having an escape plan provides you with a measure of control and this elevates your confidence to a certain degree.  If you attend with friends who want to party on make sure you or they (if you were the transport) have an alternative method of getting home. There is nothing worse than being stuck at a party you've lost energy for or interest in. 
• Alcohol and all that Jazz: We have all probably been the worse for wear following a party where the booze if free flowing and smoking indoors is acceptable.  The music is blasting and the food supply would feed a small nation for a month.  Check out these tips at ABC Health and Wellbeing to get you through the next month without causing undue harm to your body and mind.

All in all, parties aren't all that bad—that is, if you know how to survive.

Have there been any parties that were pure torture? How did you survive?  Any tips to help me get through another end of year party?  It's only 2 weeks away so I need your HELP now.

Time to Focus on your Goals

"Don't look down at the jump or at what is spooking the horse" shouted the instructor.  "Just keep your eyes up and in the direction you want to go".  I have just spent a whole week-end with my daughter at an equestrian event - show jumping.  Now, I am not a horsey person.  I don't actually like them much and I don't ride myself but, being a "supportive mother" I am endeavoring to learn as much as I can about this sport and be helpful.  I have also found that a lot the coaching techniques for this sport are also applicable to self coaching.   The above comment by the instructor struck a chord with me.

As self coaching is my area of interest, my ears pricked up when the instructor talked about focusing on the goal as opposed to the obstacles and distractions.  I thought it a great topic for a blog post given we only have about 3 months  left in this year.  How many of us started this year with good intentions to implement some changes to our lives by setting new year resolutions only to find we are way off track and have little chance of success dispite having gone to the trouble of writing out some  SMART Goals  and completing a Gap Analysis to assist us in developing our action plan.

I know that midway through this year I did a review of my progress towards my goal attainment to help me say on track, but I have lost motivation  and strayed from my target since then.  I have  - looked down and got spooked - my eyes no longer on the prize but on all the obstacles. I have let distractions and fear derail me. If I was on a horse, it would mean either knocking the rail off the jump or I've fallen off the horse onto the ground.   So lets take this analogy a bit further then - please join me in dusting ourselves off and finding a clear path over the hurdles to the finish line on December 30th and receive the prize of successfully achieving our 2014 goals.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. -Helen Keller

Tips to Refocus 

1. Value your Mistakes: Mistakes are a normal part of life.  Learn from them.  Don't get caught up in blame or regret, look at it as a chance to problem solve.  Each time you make a mistake you are one step closer to finding the best solution to the problem. If first you don't succeed then try and try again.
2. Know when to Change Direction:  Make an assessment of your commitment to the goal and its attainment.  Is it something you really really want or just a whim?  Is it challenging enough or too challenging?  Have your been realistic in the time-frame you have set?  Sometimes having the courage to admit a mistake and redirect or change sooner rather than later will get you to your goal faster.
   
3.  Get Going: There is no time to waste with only 3 months left in the year - Just DO It. Focus on one goal at  a time (better to achieve one thing than nothing at all). In spite  of thoughts, feelings etc ....Take action. Stick with it. Track your progress in your diary and reward small successful steps. 
4. Visualise Your Success: Remember what you focus on is what you get.  See yourself in your mind's eye starting out on your first steps, seeing things through and achieving your goal.  A friend recently fulfilled a long time goal of going to the South Island of New Zealand.  She used a vision board to help her in this endeavor.  
   
5. Have Faith In Yourself: The cornerstone of success is self-belief.  If you have faith in yourself and develop a strong action plan, you can put one step in front of the other and execute that plan.  Commit to the plan and have a Can Do attitude.
6. Recognize your Cycles: Motivation comes in cycles.  Pay attention to your own cycles and take advantage of your up periods, and back off when your down.  For example you might be more motivated to exercise in the morning then the evening so schedule your time accordingly.  Other ebbs and flows to be aware of are cycles of doubt about your goals.  This could be when your tired or stressed.  Be aware that episodes of doubt come regularly so spend some time identifying their pattern. This will help you schedule those time slots with motivating or distracting activities (ie. read a book, listen to uplifting music) Share your doubts with people you trust and incorporate any feedback they provide.
   
    
7. Calm Your Fears: "Fear is the Big Brother of Doubt.  Like doubt, fear is OK in measured doses, but you should never let it run your life..." says Scot Fox in Internet Riches.  Work out what it is you're afraid of and acknowledge unhelpful or negative self talk.  Counter it with positive and encouraging thoughts - be your own coach.  Write it down and remind yourself when ever your Doubting Thomas starts whispering in your ear. Practise self compassion instead of self criticism and change your focus of attention to your values and goals (Carol Vivyan 2011). 
8. Stop Unhelpful Habits: Ask yourself what's the thing you do, or don't do, that gets in the way of your goal? Perhaps some routine is getting in the way of your progress towards achieving your goal.  For example, when I wanted to give up smoking I also had to give up coffee as I always combined these two activities.  Perhaps you snack while watching your favorite day show which ruins your diet or drink wine with your main meal and this is impacting on your health. Whatever the unhelpful habit is try to create a new habit by changing your daily activities or routine.  
9. Focus: Interruptions and distractions are a fact of life with  people's media consumption being more than 3 times that consumed in the 1960's.   At work we are constantly shifting our attention between electronic tasks like answering e-mails , checking other programs, entering data whilst dealing with other interruptions such as drop ins by co-workers and answering telephone calls. I suggest you keep a time/distractions log for 3 days so you can better understand where your time/distractions come from. Track your time in 30 min intervals and also document any interruptions/distractions including the time of the distraction, name of the distraction or thing/person who caused the interruption, the level of importance of the interruption and the time taken to refocus.   Then develop a strategy to deal with them. For example, if you're at the gym intending to do a work out, but your friend wants to spend the time chatting and this limits the effectiveness of the work out then you need to think of the options for managing this interruption.  If phone calls keep you from completing tasks then divert the phone until the task is completed etc.
   
   Analyse your own habits and behaviours to determine where your time goes in a day is also a great way of helping you stay focused on the important activities and steps to achieving your goals.  Remember the 80/20 rule.  Spend 80% of your time on important tasks.  Identify the areas where you could be more productive and implement a strategy of time focus (Wilcox and Martin: Refocus it's Time - How to get time back in your day).
   
10. Only You Can Make Your Goals Gold: The above tips along with some of the earlier blog postings provide a comprehensive package of strategies for developing a practical, specific plan for executing your goals.   The rest is up to you, but I  believe that if you've gotten this far, you have demonstrated your dedication to your new mission and will be on the winners podium getting gold for achieving your 2014 goals by the end of December this year. 

Butterfly's not Pigs : Tips for Social Etiquette

I'm sure you've heard of  "social butterflies" but what about social pigs. And yes this does include the flying variety.    No I have not flipped out. You see, in the last couple of weeks I have encountered a few of these wily beasts myself on a number of occasions. For instance, at a recent financial investment seminar my husband, Jim and I, attended - You know the kind of thing, where a Financial Adviser sprooks his stuff and guests speakers try and sell you there products/services etc, my husband said he had been "railroaded by a boor and didn't have the opportunity to mingle".   This started me thinking about other social outings where I had encountered social behvaour that was piggish.  I thought how you might use this analogy to categorize different conversation styles.  I thought I might share my pondering with you.  - just for fun  of course. As you read this (with tongue in cheek) reflect on your own social interactions and remember that we can all fall into these pig pens if we become complacent about how we communicate with others.   

Social Pig Categories

1. Boar/Boor:  Loud and uncouth and embarrasses other people. Uncultured person, who lacks education, refinement and social graces. 
2. Porker::  The person is telling you something that is far fetched and possibly not true. The facts they provide a rubbery and if you challenge them about the accuracy of their statement (hope fully not with pigs might fly too) they become offended.  
3. Grunt-er: Takes a long time to get to the point.  Lots of ums and aha-rs.  
4. Hog:  Demands all the attention and monopolies the conversation. It's all about him/her. You can't get a word in edge ways and you can't escape them.  
5. Male Chauvinist Pig:  is a man who thinks that women are inferior or lesser then men and who acts on or makes statements to that effect.
6. Sow: similar to above only the female version.
7. Swiller:  spends the evening at the bar or the food table (I've fit this category on a number of occasions, particularly if the the information session is very dulling and they are serving a good red).
8. Squealer: This is generally a female.  The person tends to have a high pitched voice and trills at every opportunity (some witty or less than witty, comment generally made by a male - (I've sometimes found myself fitting this description after I've been a Swiller).   
9. Snouter: This is the snobby pig who will only mix with other Snouters or potential Snouters.  These pigs do not circulate and they do not invite people into their conversation unless they think their is some benefit to them.

How to Avoid Being Branded a Social Pig:

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.

A Japanese Proverb 

1. Upon Arrival : Locate the host and have a few quiet words. This signifies to your host not only of your arrival but shows respect and appreciation for the invitation. 
2. Don't over indulge:  The food and drink might be free but it doesn't' mean you should cut loose and get sloshed.  If you do you might become rude or be aggressive to people. A couple of drinks to loosen up is fine. Be polite, crack some jokes, make small talk about topics of interest and enjoy yourself and help others to enjoy themselves too.
   
3. Move around the gathering. Move about the gathering and mix freely with the other guests.  Circulate among the people you know initially and talk for a while then introduce yourself to some new faces. This will assist others to feel at ease around you. some great opening lines are :"Hi,  I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before. My name is ... what's yours? or "What line of work are you?' These are open ended questions and inquire after the other person  (as opposed to talking about yourself) , but don't put them on the spot. If you get caught by a Boor, disengage by acknowledging what you have just heard (paraphrase what they have said) and then gracefully excusing yourself saying you have go. 
4. Remember people's Names: If you can't remember someones name admit it and say something like "I'm sorry but i'm terrible with names, please tell me yours"  Debra Fine, author of  The Fine Art of Small Talk, says you should not ignore the other person out of embarrassment as they might think your are snobbing them and this defeats the whole purpose of networking.
5. Be a Good Conversationalist: Have a repertoire of small talk conversation pieces.  Being aware of what is happening in the world at large, the weather, local events, TV shows etc give you a range of conversational starters this will help you to deal with multiple personalities.  If you are with a group of people you know and there is someone on the outskirts or new , then take the time to talk to them rather than being aloof and expecting them to make the first move or effort to get to know you. 
6. Avoid Pig Behaviour: Ensure good communication techniques such as active listening, paraphrase and summarising. Remember to listen to what is being said rather than thinking how to respond.  be fully present to the other person. 
   
7. If you are Alone: This can sometimes be the most challenging and awkward situation to be in especially if you don't know anyone at the event.  If you are alone, you may walk around a bit, drink a glass of wine or soft drink and soak up the atmosphere for awhile.  Keep a smile on your face and open posture, thus making yourself comfortable and allowing anyone to talk to you on your rounds.  If you see anyone else by themselves then rock up and introduce yourself. They will probably appreciate your company.
8. Don't out Stay your welcome: As the evening draws to a close, excuse yourself form the group of people you're with and then thank the host for organizing the event before taking our leave. Don't be the last to leave.
   

I hope you enjoyed the humour of this post. I'm sure you've met your share of pigs in a variety of social setting over the years and have exhibited some pig behaviours too. Love to hear your stories and if you've encountered any other pigs I might not have mentioned. 

Confrontation not Conflict

I could not believe my eyes, this morning, when the guy in front of me at the grocery store checkout verbally and then physically attached the check out lady.  He shouted at her and then pushed her over.  She landed flat on her back  sprawled out on the supermarket floor.  The man left the complex shouting abuse over his shoulder.  What had lead to the altercation, I don't know.  I do know though that all the other customers were shocked and dismayed by this man's behaviour.  (I must note that not one of us went to her aide ashamedly not even myself).  Could he have a good reason for acting in such a way?  I don't think there is any justification for such an action. What do you think?  I believe that if you are in dispute with someone there are others means of expressing your dissatisfaction and view point.  There are other means of trying to find a solution.  Violence offers a release of the tension but that's only short lived. You only have to look at what's happening  in Gaza to know that.  And, yes, I realise that war has been waged for years and is complex and all consuming for the people involved.  I'm grateful I was not born into that multi- generational conflict.

Dealing with conflict seems to have invaded my life this past week.  The supermarket incident was just the tip of the iceberg.  I have been angry myself this week at the behaviour of a young person who regularly visits my property.   Have you every heard the expression "pulling the wool of over somebody's eyes".  The phrase is of 19th century American origin and means to deceive someone in order to prevent them from knowing what you are really doing.  It sounds innocuous, wool being soft and someone cuddly.  But what it really means is to lie and take advantage of another person.  That other person was me on this occasion..  This young person, told me a bold face lie so I would assist her to do something that her mother would not approve.  (Going for a full day horse ride with a friend on a school day. Little did I know that the mother did not give her permission for her daughter to ride, did not approve of the friend  or that the girls would ride their horses to their school grounds - a definite safety issue).

Of course, when the school alerted her mother to the problem, she contacted me and confronted me about aiding her daughter in engaging in risky behaviour. Of course,  I tried to defend myself and my actions and suggested we should all meet and try to resolve the matter.  I felt angry, concerned and disappointed all at the same time.  I also felt the young person had betrayed my trust and jeopardized my reputation in the community.




This was a time of confrontation.  Confrontations has a couple  of important meanings all of which relate to the situation I found myself in. They are :

a focussed comparison; bringing together for a careful comparison

discord resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions

a hostile disagreement face-to-face 

http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/confrontation

I suggested to the mother and daughter that we should all meet and discuss the incident and any possible repercussions.   During the meeting that followed the incident, it became apparent the mother and daughter had been in outright conflict for some time and the teenager was exhibiting some very challenging behaviours.    The mother was at her wits end and the daughter was not prepared to comply with any of her mothers wishes or rules. Neither was prepared to listen to the others view point. They both held firmly to their believe it was the other persons fault. I am right - you are wrong thinking. The interaction between the mother and daughter was the kind of confrontation that divides.  I attempted to reduce the hostility between the two and look for common ground.  I was not successful. I recommended they seek family counselling.

I then confronted the teenager about the possible ramifications of her irresponsible beauviour:
a) her own safety, the safety of her friend and the safety of other students at the school
b) the well being of the horses
c) liability issues for both her and myself..
d) the possibility of loosing her right to ride again.

The purpose of the confrontation was to present her with the true facts of the matter in an attempt to protect her from further foolishness and keep her safe from harm.   I was fully aware that confrontation is a powerful force and can lead to constructive change and growth or to greater defensiveness.  It can cement relationships or shatter them.  I deliberately steered clear of expressing my own hurt feelings and focused on the impacts for her with the hope that she would recognize the discrepancies between her current behaviour and her life goals.

Confrontation is difficult. There are no two ways about that.  Sometimes it's because we lack confidence, knowledge or skills, but it could also be that we have the wrong attitude. Confrontation that is harsh and based on unresolved hostility or frustration, and lacks empathy or respect will in the long run be destructive to both parties.

The success or failure of confrontation usually depends on the quality of the relationship between the two parties before the confrontation occurred.  The more clearly we have shown our care and concern and respect for the other person the more likely they will be open to not only hearing what we have to say but also taking it seriously.

Here are some of the questions I asked myself before confronted someone I am concerned about:

1. Is this the right approach to the issue and the right technique to use with this person at this time?
2. Is the other person likely to benefit from what I have to say?
3.  Am I the right person to be taking on this role or should it be someone else?
4. How might it impact on other people involved or connected to this person?
5. Do I have a plan?  The what, where, when and how of confronting this person.

I found the book "How to be a Friend people want to be friends with" by Richard P Walters (Regal Books, California, USA, 1981) an interesting read with some great insights into how to successfully confront people we care about.

The outcome of my own experience is still in progress. the young person concerned has created some distance between us (emotionally).  I hope this means she is considering what I had to say and not smoldering with resentment.  Only time will tell.

What has been your experience and do you have any tips that might help me or others engage in more successful outcomes when we confront people we care about?

10 Steps to Support a Friend in Need

"For all my friends, whether close or casual, just because.  One of the longest post I will ever do, and the most real too.  Everyone will go through some hard times at some point.  Life isn't easy.  Just something to think about - did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the  ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? did you know the three hardest things to say are "I love you, I'm sorry and HELP me".? Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now - lets start an intention avalanche... to give a moment of support to all those who may have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of ant kind and just need to know that someone cares.  Do it for all of us " (Message from a Facebook  Friend - perhaps a call for help)

I got a wake up call this morning from a dear friend who posted the above on Facebook. As she is a frugal poster I was intrigued to see what she had written.  I don't think she'll mind me sharing it with you as it made me sit up and take stock of who I might be neglecting or overlooking because they appear to have it all together or because I'm distracted with my own problems.  After reading it, I wondered if she was talking about herself as she is a a strong, caring and very kind person who readily gives of herself to all her fiends and family.  It made me wonder what type of friend I was and was I taking her and others for granted.

In the current economic and political climate (unemployment, massive numbers of refugees fleeing political persecution and seemingly unsolvable wars) we can  all suffer from compassion fatigue or just tune out to others and their problems.  The barrage of unending media coverage of the world of woes  can desentisize us to the pain and suffering that is all around us.

So how do we shake off the apathy and open our eyes to the needs of those around us?  How do we show genuine care and concern without being intrusive and pushy?  A difficult line to tread with those we love and those who appear unloved.

10 things I think I can do to help a Friend in Need. 

1. Listen to the other person. Often times when we are communicating with others we focus on what we want to say when they finish speaking so we don't really hear what they are trying to communicate.  Or we are thinking about something else altogether.  I know I've been on the phone to a friend and I've been thinking the whole time about what I'm going to cook for dinner. I remember a classic example of this occurred one day when a group of friends got together to fund raise for a good cause.  We had been hard at it for a couple of hours and were really making great progress.  During the business of the day she received a phone call from another lady. I could hear my friend using hum, yeah and that's great - when the phone call was suddenly cut short.  When she got off the phone she told us she had said "yeah that's great" when the caller had said her daughter had just broken her arm.  Ooops - she had defiantly been distracted during that call.  You can imagine embarrassing that was for my friend and how unheard the other lady felt.  
   
2. Just be there and Observe: Look for signs that might indicate that your friend is going through a rough patch such as snappy, hanging our less or withdrawn. 
3. Discuss what matters to others for awhile. Put your own interests on hold.  People appreciate it when others clear  time and space (not talking or doing anything) to enable them to open up.  It demonstrates that you care about them and what they have to say matters.  It's difficult for someone to disclose their troubles if you rushing out the door as they speak.
4. Encourage your friend to talk through your verbal and non verbal language.  That  is, use an open posture and look like your are interested in what they are saying.  Use minimal encourages such as um,, yes and head nods.  Remember to  ask open ended questions to help your friend explore their issues in greater depth and to reflect back what you understood them to have said.
   
5. Don't Judge: Sometimes what is a mountain to one person is a mole hill to another. We should  not be making a judgement about the validity of the problem based on our own subjective assessment of the situation.  the other thing people do and I've been caught our too is to say: "that's nothing compared to what I'm going through" or "  So and so also had that problem and they did..." Stay focused on your friend and the issues she/he is having right now.
6. Offer suggestions if appropriate: Remember if you're offering advice to be sensitive to their needs.  You are not their mother or boss so don't go ordering them about. Also as we are all different so are our responses to different situations.
7. Check in regularly: Don't just hear the problem and then assume that it's all fine and dandy just because you heard about it once.  Keep in touch, in person or by electronic devices, to keep abreast of how your mate is coping or if things have improved or gotten worse.
   
   
8. Don't gossip:  Your friend has shared their story and pain with you not the whole world.  It's their issues and up to them to discuss with others if they please. Don't assume that just because someone else appears to know about it that they know it all.  Keep you mouth closed unless they are placing themselves or others safety at risk.
   
   
9. Encourage your friend to seek professional help if the issues are beyond the type of support you can offer.If you believe that your friend is suffering from anxiety, depression or may be considering suicide then encourage therm to seek help.  More information on these topics can be gained from the Beyond  Blue webpage.
   
10. Step Out of Your Comfort ZONE: Reach our to others that need help that you don't know by:

• Volunteering 
• Pay forward
• Doing a random act of  Kindness

 I'd love for your ideas on helping friends when they are feeling down. What has worked for you? What has been some definite  No No's?

No Mouth Guard Required - 5 Keys to choosing the right words.

"Many things are opened by mistake, but none so frequently as the mouth" (unknown) 

I don't know about you but I am a great reactor - I could substitute for a radioactive core  in a Nuclear power plant most days.  Last Friday, I don't know what was happening in the universe  but, my world was certainly throwing some curved balls my way.  It was a day where I had the opportunity to grow or to carry on reacting to the actions and words of others.  So I decided that it was Face- up - To - It - Friday:  Life was dealing me some Hard Lessons and I wondered if I'd pass the tests being delivered.

Lesson 1
The first slap in the face from my world came early  in the day via a response to an e-mail I had sent a friend requesting some advice and support about a horse my daughter was having trouble riding.  The e-mail was blunt to the point of being rude and suggested I was being irresponsible in my parenting by not making my daughter ride the horse (read by me as I'm a bad parent) and by considering leasing the horse  out to a more experienced rider (read by me as I'm a poor decision maker).  The response also stated that I did not value her or her opinion anyway (.read by me as I'm disrespectful and ungrateful). By the time I got to the end of the e-mail I was ready to explode and almost sent a "go feck yourself" response.

I took a much needed breath and reflected on what was written, not what I had interpreted as being written. I considered:

•  Did I want to stick it to her because I was angry with what she said 
• Was there anything in what she that was true (at least in part or from her perspective)?
• Did I value her and our relationship? 
• Could I respond in a way that would be positive and conciliatory without defending myself or justifying myself
• Maybe I shouldn't respond at all

Taking time to reflect on my options was a great idea as it allowed me time to cool down and consider a response and all its implications.  I did value this persons opinion and our relationship, but I disagreed with her advice.  So I sent an  e-mail that thanked her for taking the time to consider my request and explained that I valued her and her opinion.  I did not defend or justify myself or my view .  She responded by acknowledging she may have been a bit terse in her original e-mail and wished my luck with the horse issue. A win- win and I think a pass on that test.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt" (Abraham Lincoln)

Lesson 2
The second slap closely followed the first.  I stared to feel I was in the ring for a 10 rounder.  A young couple ( 18 year old) I had rented a small farm cottage to had used all their tank water (3000 gallons) in the space of a week for the second time in a month.  After the first instance, I had given them a sheet outlining some water saving strategies.  It seemed they just did not have the skills to live on a restricted water supply. The water pump had been running overnight and was about to blow up (just like me).  I asked them to meet me to discuss options.  The option in the forefront of my mind and on my lips was "time to terminate their tenancy" for their own good (they could not continue to buy water at $200/week) and before they damaged the pump and water supply system (very expensive to replace $10,000).

I'm glad I took the time to meet with them before making my decision. During the meeting it came to light that they had switched a dial on the pump and had pumped their water out onto the ground without realising it.  I recalled my own youth and inexperience in renting.  I made the decision to purchase more water at my own expense to assist them on their journey to adulthood on the condition they learn how to operate the water supply system.  In this instance, taking the time to discuss the issue, gather all the facts and look at all the options enabled a better outcome then a "bull at a gate" reaction to the situation. I felt it was a good outcome for us all.

"When your thoughts run riot your tongue is apt to join the crows" (Unknown)

Lesson 3
Another kick in the pants arrived full force soon after the water debacle.  I met with a friend to discuss the development of an e-book.  We are quite different people in nature and come from very different backgrounds.  I had collated a considerable amount of material and put together a draft of the booklet for us to discuss.   Without even reading the materiel, my colleague advised me that she thought I was being too "text bookish" and not being authentic (sharing my own story).  I was a bit taken aback with the feedback, especially since she hadn't read anything I'd written.  I wanted to defend myself and refute what she had said and challenge her about her own contribution to the project.  I could hear all the words I wanted to say tumbling around in my head and almost falling out of my mouth.

But I held my tongue and thought about the outcome I was seeking.  I also acknowledged that it  took courage for her to be that frank with me. Therefore,  I considered all my options before letting the words flow.  I thanked my colleague for her honesty and admitted there was some truth to what she had said.  I stated that our meetings were an opportunity for us both too grow personally and professionally if we were prepared to accept feedback as constructive and given with positive intention.  Our meeting then moved forward with a greater understanding of how we could each contribute to the project based on our strengths and how we could help each other work on our stretches.

"Find the grain of truth in criticism - chew it and swallow it" (D. Dutten)

Lesson 4  
My last lesson for the day came Friday night when I again received an email from a fellow blogger taking me to task about breaching blogging protocols.  You can image, how exhausted I felt by now and I sent up a plead to God asking for a break already.  That I didn't need any more fodder for thought and I had learnt my lesson -  think before you speak as words can hurt or heal.  After my initial shock and need to defend myself, I looked for the truth in the e-mail form his perspective and also how I might have responded if I was in his shoes.  I felt he was justified and that I did owe him an apology. So thanks Ken Wert for the heads up on all things related to blogging protocol and linking me to your Meant to be Happy page. 

"People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing (Will Rogers) 

What was the overall learning from my   Face- up - To - It - Friday:

1. When someone says or does something that makes you angry, defensive, or upset, don't react.  Take some time to think about why it has caused you to feel that way.
2. Respond don't React.  Responding implies that you have taken some time to think about the situation as opposed to saying what has immediately come to mind. 
3. Get all the facts, don't make assumptions 
4. Think of the outcome you want from the exchange.  Don't get even or become defensive.  This might give you some short term satisfaction but may have other negative consequences or lead to a feeling of guilt ( you know - wishing you hadn't said that). 
5. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  If there are two ways something said or done can be interpreted then assume it was meant the better of the two.  Remember you have a choice in how you respond. 

"Give people a piece of your heart instead of a peace of your mind" (Unknown)

I'd love to hear from you about how you've responded to criticism or havepeple have reacted unexpectedly to something  you've said.

Stop Apologizing Please

Lots of chitter chatter online about the new Pantene advertisement and the overuse of the word sorry by the women of the world.  Take a look and see what all the fuss is about.

Pantene Advertisement

The advertisement  is based on research that appears in the September online issue of Psychological Science.  The Researchers analyzed the number of self-reported offences and apologies made by 66 subjects over a 12-day period. The data showed that women consistently apologized more times than men did. However, the data also indicated that women report more offenses than men. In other words they have a lower threshold for offences. So the issue is not female over-apology. Instead, there may be a gender difference in what is considered offensive in the first place. In a second study three separate offences were rated by 120 subjects on a seven-point scale. And women consistently rated the three offences as more severe than men did. Turns out that men are just as likely as women to apologize for a given offense.  But their threshold for thinking they have committed an offense is higher.

In Love Story, yeah I know this really ages me, there is the memorable line where Ali McGraw  says "Love is never having to say you sorry."  For those of you who are wondering what the heck I'm talking about,  its a 1970's romantic drama written by Erick Segal, who also authored the best selling novel by the same name.  It was directed by Arthur Hiller and starred Ryan O'Neil and Ali MacGraw.  It just so happens it was the first film I ever saw at the theater  and I wasn't sorry I watched it.   But if "love means never having to say your sorry", then I have never been in love. I have to apologise all the time to my loved ones, for a whole range of issues - that cover all the various definitions outlined in the Oxford dictionary. 

1. According to the  Oxford  Dictionary "sorry" can  have lots of different meanings.  Here are some:

1 Feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune:I was sorry to hear about what happened to your family

(sorry for) Filled with compassion for: I felt sorry for the poor boys working for him

Feeling regret or penitence: he said he was sorry he had upset me

Used to express apology: sorry—I was trying not to make a noise

Used as a polite request that someone should repeat something that one has failed to hear or understand: I’m sorry—you were saying? 

In a poor or pitiful state:  he looks a sorry sight with his broken jaw

In the U- tube clip, the women are mainly using the word "sorry" as an apology. So what do you think?  Do women apologize too much or are we just a bit more sensitive to the possibility of others taking offence?  Are we now suppose to apologise for apologising too much and feel guilty because we over use the word? So you apologise for other reasons not mentioned in the dictionary?

In a recent article by Jezebel  she claimed that women are  not " genetically programmed to act like this, or that men have a "higher threshold" for offensive behavior. I think it's that women are expected to be exceptionally grateful for the crumbs tossed our way—and so we show our gratitude by cushioning our wants with a series of, "I know this is asking a lot, but...", "I hate to ask, but could you..." and "I might sound like an idiot for wondering, but..."-isms. "  

In addition, I feel women have a tenancy to feel guilty about asking for what they want and also for not living up to "the super woman" standard.  I know recently, I apologized because I did not have time to work in the Club Canteen for an equestrian event being held at our Pony Club.  My daughter was not even participating in the event and we had a busy weekend as she was performing in an Eisteddfod  band.  Still, I felt guilty and did some home baking for the club canteen.  Do you apologise out of a sense of guilt especially if you feel like your not living up to the superwoman standard?

You've probably heard about the 5 days of gratitude challenge, well I am going to set another challenge.  Record over 5 days how many times you use the word sorry in different context.  Then determine if you could have used another word instead.  Over the next 5 days catch yourself before you say "sorry" and insert another word.  Let me know how you go.