Boost Your Self-Esteem

If the Man  in the Mirror

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,

And the world makes you king for a day;

then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't a man's father, mother or wife'

Whose judgement upon him must pass;

The fellow whose verdict counts most in life,

Is the man staring back from the glass.

He's a the fellow to please: never mind the rest'

for he's with you clear up to the end;

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test,

If the man in the glass is your friend.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

and get pats on the back as you pass;

but your final reward will be heartache and tears,

If you've cheated the man in the glass.

(This poem was written on the wall of a cell in death row. It was composed by an anonymous prisoner).

Liking yourself may be one of the most important things you'll have to do before you can achieve success (at anything).  When you like yourself, you have self-confidence. And when you have self-confidence you believe in yourself and you are prepared to back yourself. These are important ingredients to success in any venture. Let'd be clear here, by liking yourself I don't mean that you should feel superior to others. What I am referring to is having a POSITIVE SELF-IMAGE.

In a nutshell, Self-esteem is the way we view or think about ourselves, and  the value we place on ourselves as a person.  Positive self esteem is ...

1. having a feeling of confidence and competence to function successfully in life and trusting oneself
2. approving and unconditionally loving oneself (warts and all). 
3. the willingness to appear foolish
4. being able to express one's creativity and trusting in one's intuition.
5. being authentic and genuine so that one's real self can be experienced.
6. the ability to see oneself as the cause and source of one's circumstances in life so that one may take responsibility for it.

If after reading the above you feel your self-esteem needs a boos then here are a few idea to 'pump it up".

• Think positively about Yourself - stop comparing yourself with others, accept who you are.               To Do-  make a list of all the things you  like about yourself. Tack it to the mirror and read daily.
• Take responsibility for your Life - stop blaming others for your problems, give up the 'victim' mindset.  You have choices about what happens in your life.                                                                          To Do: Be more assertive and speak up for yourself. This can be done by asking for what you want as well as by expressing your thoughts and feelings. 
• Set yourself a Goal - to improve your self-esteem, to give others positive feedback,and to accept compliments graciously.                                                                                                                  To Do: tell at least one of the following -friends, family and work mates what you like and appreciate about them this week. 
• Participate in Life - stop being a spectator. Do the things you enjoy. Have some fun.                        To Do: List twelve things you enjoy doing and make a plan to do one a week for the next 3 months.
• Stop saying Sorry - mistakes provide an opportunity to learn so don't let failure prevent you from trying again.  success requires many attempts.                                                                                 To Do: Enroll in a workshop, seminar or course where you can be a student.
  
   
• Let go of the Past- keep your thoughts in the present.  Rehashing the past won't change it. the only place that change can take place is in the present. Refer back to the list you made of your positive traits.
• Speak no Evil - Avoid put downs of yourself and others.  Focus on the positive.                               To Do: Write a positive Affirmation or Quote and tape it to your computer.  Read it when your thoughts are heading North. 
• Think no Evil- Replace negative thoughts and images with positive. Turn "I can't"  to "I will". If you have thoughts that start with "I ought to, I need to, I should..." change it to "I want to.."                    To Do: Take a walk daily or some other regular exercise to boost your mood. Experience the pleasure of deep breathing.  
  
• Appreciate Yourself - If you are not prepared to care for yourself then others will not either. To Do:  Stand in Front of a full length mirror naked (or clothed) and tell yourself "I love You" for 5 minutes.  Alternative if you find this too challenging - only wear clothes you feel good in (The charity organisations will benefit from your generosity and you'll feel great).
•  Respect Your Weaknesses - recognize that everyone has both strengths and stretches. If you accept your weaknesses then you are free to confront them and make positive efforts to change. To Do: Set a self development goal and a plan to achieve it ( It could be to boost your self -esteem).
• Identify the problem Areas in Your Life - Look for Factors that might be reinforcing your low- self esteem.  If you can't change the situation then look at how you may be able to change the way you respond to  it.  For example become more assertive, improve communication. To Do: Identify one factor that is impacting on your self-worth.  Look at it from multiple perspectives and then determine how you can respond to it in a different way.  
  
• Act Confident - I am sure you've heard the saying "Fake it until you Make it".  To Do: Do something you have always wanted to do but was afraid to try.  Start small. Remember that it is OK to be afraid to take risks - then do it anyway.   

Let me know if any of the To Do Activities paid off for you.  If you have any additional tips on boosting self-esteem then I'd love to hear about them. Please join the conversation below or post them on my self-coach Facebook page. 

Note: People with low self-esteem often get wrapped up in what others think of them so they don't ask for help.  they either feel they don't deserve help or they will look stupid.  I would encourage anyone who feels they have low self-esteem to seek additional support from a life coach or a counselor.  

9 Tips for Being a Light-Hearted Parent this Mother's Day

     Celebrations of mothers and motherhood can be traced back to the ancient Greeks and Romans, who held festivals in honor of the mother goddesses Rhea and Cybele, but the clearest modern precedent for Mother's Day is the early Christian festival known as “Mothering Sunday.”

             Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs anyone can undertake (weather male or female).  Mother's Day, held on the second Sunday in May in Australia is happening this week-end. It is a time to celebrate parenthood and an opportunity to honour our mothers by showing our love and appreciation.  The gift giving component is more a 20th Century marketing mechanism as far as I'm concerned but if you have the inclination and the cash then why not. 

 In the tradition of giving I have composed 9 tips to help Mothers across the country to take a more light-hearted approach to parenting this Mother's Day. 

1. Think Positive

If it’s not life threatening you can get through it. This can be a challenge when you are running late for work and the kids refuse to be rushed or ready on time.

2.      Sing Along

           On the drive to school and work turn up the radio and do the car karaoke. It will lift every body’s          mood.

 3.      Laugh

At least once per day is the recommended dose to remove the frown lines from your face.  Have a “go to” thing/memory if inspiration is in short supply.

4.      Reframe

The messages we send our kids can often start with a negative: “stop”; don’t do that”, “not now” “no”.

Try a reverse eg “Yes, you can go outside when you have finished your homework”

 5.      Breathe

…and count to 10 – many an angry word has been said in haste and regretted at leisure.

6.      Say “no” only if it Really Matters

Surprise the kids and say ‘Yes” to some of the things you usually say not to.  It’s O.K to put water in the tea set; maybe stay up later than usual one night.

Take Care of You

7.      Just like your kids “You are Special” too.

Take some time out to care for yourself – you’ll feel better for it and the kids will learn that self-care is an important skill to good health and happy parenting.

8.      Routines and Rituals Work

…to keep children and parents sane in a hectic world.  For example meal times and bed time rituals help take the tantrum out of the task.  (At least most of the time).

9.      Remember

The age of Santa Clause and Cheerio’s is fleeting: The days are long but the years are short.  Cherish the moments.

Happy Mother's Day - especially to my own mother (sorry I can't be therewith you but I hope you like the card I made). 

Success Mindset

I was upset this week when my almost 30 year old son told me that he was not prepared to give something a go because he might FAIL.  Here I am writing a blog about coaching yourself to success and my own child is focusing on the opposite side of the coin - Failure.  Admittedly, at the time of the conversation he had just had a gigantic argument with his boss and was concerned he might be joining the long queue of unemployed, but it got me thinking about the definition of success itself and the reasons why some people fail where others succeed. 

Before we go any further I’d like to define success. 

Success in simple terms means ‘achieving’. 

It is the accomplishment of your own goals, plans and maximising the potential that life has offered you.  Success is not a million dollars in the bank, a beautiful home on the marina or a position of power and prestige. Mind you I wouldn’t say no to a couple of the items on this list.  But you get my drift.  Success is not “a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” – an item in the “mysterious beyond” out of reach that only a few manage to achieve.  The reality is that you are and can be a success simply by continuing to pursue the things that really matter to you. Success is living out your dreams. It is the little steps you take each day on your life's journey.  

“Life is no accident, it is a response to thoughts, habits and actions” says Martin Gray in his book Building for Success, “…a learned art that can be developed by any that care to pay attention”. 

I have compiled a list of habits of the mind that can determine your success or defeat.  

Success Mindset	Defeatist Mindset
1.   Persist – focus on your goal and stick at it until you reach it. Remember to celebrate the small steps on the journey.	A. Define success as won, luck or innate – you believe you have no control over it.  It is for the fortunate few whose circumstances enabled them to achieve their dreams.
2.   Listen to alternative points of view – this enables you to critically evaluate your own ideas and broadens your horizons.	B. Working hard doesn’t get you anywhere but only acknowledge one aspect of work, physical labour.
3.   Co-operate – collaborate and work with others	C. Opportunity – believe they have never been given the opportunity to succeed because of luck and circumstance. Don’t recognise opportunity when it knocks or make the most when they do.
4.   Be a detective – Curiosity did not kill the cat it brought him back.  Ask questions, seek evidence and analyse ideas.	D. Defeatist attitude - make poor choices or have a poor outlook. “To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.” – Henry Mencken
5.   Broaden your perspective – view a situation from multiple view points and be open to changing yours.	E. Quit – tried and did not succeed so gave up. Lack perseverance and self-motivation. “Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill
6.   Be a Puzzler – use problem solving and decision making to plan, monitor, evaluate and review your progress. Be prepared to change direction or proceed in a new way.	F. Victim Mentality - blame their past, current situation, issues, and circumstances as road blocks for not trying or persevering. Look for obstacles and barriers not conduits and passageways.
7.   Inventive – look for different and creative ways of thinking about something or doing things. Be a live long learner.	G. Take NO for an answer – are pessimism, surround themselves with negativity and Nay Sayers. Let challenges and adversity defeat them.

   

Successful people know that true success begins in the mind, it is an attitude. Successful people protect this valuable asset (their mind) and realise it is the field where dreams are sown and grown. So be careful of what you plant.

Thank you for reading the list.  If you have any views i'd love to hear from you.  If you think someone else might find this useful please share it with them.  

An aside for my boy-  Nick - Failure is a Mindset not a reality. If you change your mindset your change your reality too. Love you boyo. 

Morning Makeover - 6 Tips to Re-vamp Your Morning Routine

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself "if today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer had been 'no' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something".

Steve Jobs. 

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I am sick of dragging myself out of bed every morning, only to hit the fast forward button and rush around like a mad woman, shouting at the kids and husband to "Hurry Up".  for the Aussies who read this think about the blackboard in  Mr Squiggle's (showing my age here too). Does this morning routine sound familiar to you and your household. From experience I know that if my day starts like this it ends worse, so I decided to give my mornings a makeover and thought you might find a couple of these ideas useful too.  If you choose to start the day in a positive way it sets the tone for the day.

Most of these tips are simple and easy to implement no matter how busy you are in the morning and they pack a punch  that will have you humming all day. 

I'm not going to be long winded about it because I know you are all with it people and won't require a wordy explanation.

Morning Make-Over Tips

1. Get a good Nights sleep - old saying early to be early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. A good nights sleep enables us to wake up feeling energised and refreshed.  If you're a night owl then you might need to gradually change your nightly routine so you can get to be a bit earlier.  As adults we need 7-8 hours sleep each night to allow our bodies to rest and regenerate cells. Remember that your sleep routine, bedtime habits and lifestyle choices can make a big difference to your quality of sleep.
2. Brain Gym - Jessie Hays a kinesiologist coach recommends you use the following kinesiology technique to switch yourself on first thing in the morning to help you become clear, connected and centred: Side to side switching - hold one hand on your navel and with the other rub under the inner end of the collar bones; top to bottom switching- hold one hand on your navel and with the other rub the top and bottom lips; Front and Back Switching: hold one hand on your navel and with the other rub the base of the spine. 
3. Drink a glass of water - this will help hydrate you after fasting and help eliminate toxins from the body.
4. Exercise for at least 15 minutes- Go for a quick walk around the block or do some yoga (the Sun Salutation can be done relatively quickly). this will help to get the blood flowing and is a natural way to destress.  
   
5. Eat A Healthy Breakfast - Try to add some protein to your breakfast as it will help you to feel fuller longer and is great fro the brain. 
6. Dress to Impress Yourself - Choose a favourite outfit or select a beloved piece of jewelry.  

If you don't think you have the time to incorporate all these elements into you morning routine then cut it down to a size that suits you are do some preparation the night before.  I have found that putting in the effort to develop an intentional morning routine has improved my whole day (and improved the morning of my family too).

A Remiedy for The Daily Grind

Sometimes we get so bogged down in the daily grind we forget why we are doing what we are doing in the first place. Everything becomes a drudgery and it feels like we are wading through mud and getting nowhere. More of the same day in day out. Getting nowhere. If that's how you're feeling then perhaps you've lost sight of the BIG picture - your goal/dream. There is an old saying "can't see the wood for the trees".

1. Meaning: If you can't see the wood for the trees, you can't see the whole situation clearly because you're looking too closely at small details, or because you're too closely involved. For example: If everyday you focus on the small things you do without associating it with the larger goal then you can get lost in the micro ecology of your life. (Ooh that sounded profound even for me). 
   
   
   
   
   
   So I recommend you look up occasionally, not only to check your bearings and ensure you're still on track , but to enjoy the view and contemplate the endless possibilities that are open to you.
   
   
   Stop, look up and take a breather - even for one moment - it will revive you.

The Art of Being Youself

As a child I can distinctly recall my mother offering the following advice to me as I set out on my first day at a new high school - "Everything will be O.K. Just Be Yourself".  This line was suppose to make me feel reassured that by the end of the day I would be surrounded by friends and accepted as a part of the class group.  Did I feel reassured - Hell No.  "Just Be Myself when I felt fat, had pimples galore and was not even dressed in the right uniform".  I'd stand out like the proverbial 'dog's balls'.  I was certain to spend the day alone - a social outcast.   Everything was wrong about me. My mother was obviously delusional.

Even as an adult I can still fall into the deficit thinking trap - wasting time thinking about the things I should do or worse should be - I should exercise more, I should ear more healthy, I should stick to a budget, I should be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.  I should be more generous with my time, I should be more patient or I should be more grateful.  The list goes on.

However I have come to realise that a preoccupation with what we should be distracts us from the things we are and prevents us from valuing ourselves.  Always wishing or trying to be something we are not also prevents us living to our fullest and having authentic relationships with others.

Guidelines for accepting yourself as immeasurably, utterly and completely fine as you are - warts and all:

1. Accept Yourself Body and Soul -
   
   Do you look in the mirror and compare yourself to a younger version of yourself? Well STOP that right now.  Instead take a Good Look (positives and negatives) and make a real appraisal of how you look now.  Be realistic. Look at your list. Now you have a choice -  If you are dissatisfied with the way things are then you can either accept them or take action to change them. Recently, I decided that keeping all my old size 10 clothing (in case I lost weight) was in fact weighing me down and holding me back from being who I am now.  Not only was I never going to get back into them, they no longer suited my style.  What is holding you back from being the CURRENT you. Spend some in front of a mirrortime reflecting on all those 
2. Know your Own Values -
   
    Our values guide our action and choices. If you know what is important to you and stay true to that then you will feel more satisfied. . In addition, you are more likely to connect with other people who have similar values to you.  This often leads to long term friendships and greater satisfaction within the relationship.Steven Hanel, The Emotion Machine , provides a  5 minute activity to help you determine your most important values. Give it a try. 
3. Don't Pretend to Be Something You're Not  (or like something you don't) -
   
   Keeping up with the Jones is an exhausting game for anyone to play.  If being part of a crowd requires you to ACT a part, then get out of the play before you are caught out as a fraud.  There will be no applause, only tears if that happens. Focus on your own dreams and goals. Think about what is important to you and where you want to go.
4. Know your own Strengths and Stretches -
   
   We are all comprised of an alloy of our merits and our imperfections. Acknowledging our liabilities without blaming someone else leads to acceptance and capacity to grow. Equally important is the identification of our strengths.  I don't mean bragging about how good we are at something but knowing what skills we possess.  A quick way to discover your strengths is to take the “Brief Strengths Test” created by Martin Seligman.  This test takes just a few minutes to complete and measure 24 different strengths. 
5. Be Aware of Your Own Thoughts-  
   
   We can all get caught listening to the little devil on our shoulder telling us that we just aren't up to scratch.That we just don't cut it. We should be more or less than we are.  Being aware of these thoughts and more importantly know how to respond to them.  If that inner voice is telling you your 'not good enough' - what do you do?  Well, you can try and ignore it - but if your inner voice is anything like my kids, the more I try and ignore their harping, the louder they get. Alternatively you can test, challenge and change your self-talk. You can change some of the negative aspects of your thinking by challenging the irrational parts - take the inner voice to task and question the validity of what it is saying (Is it true? Does it make me feel good? Does it help me reach my goals?) Or try replacing them with more reasonable thoughts. Doing this will enable you to feel better and to respond to situations in a more helpful way.  Ben Martin in the article  Challenging Negative Self Talk  provides a list of  challenging questions to ask yourself. Free Self-Esteem Worksheets  can be downloaded Self -Esteem School.

So while I didn't believe it when my Mum told it to me all those years ago, with the benefit of hindsight and the experience of years, I now know it's true. "Just Be Yourself"  because the people who know and care for me will LOVE YOU just the way you are - warts and all.  

Getting the Most out of Your Day

Too many of us throw planning out the window when we retire or reach a certain age and just let our days wash away with the fading of the evening sun.  A recent incident with my mother -in- law who is in her mid 80's and lives alone reinforced my belief that life is short - and we should, not only plan our day, but focus on putting joy and meaning into everything we do - no matter how menial a task is - as it gives life meaning and brings us closer to achieving our dreams.


So what happened with my mother -in- law? Well, I went early to visit her as she was having trouble getting her newspaper. The delivery boy was throwing the paper too close to the road and she had been unable to collect it.  It was about 8.30 am in the morning. As I walked up to the front door I could see her sitting in the lounge chair and I thought she had seen me, but as I approached the door she did not move.  I knocked on the door lightly and she still did not move, so I knocked louder. I could see her eyes were closed and her mouth was open so I thought perhaps she was asleep.I tried the door and it was unlocked so I opened it slightly and said "Hello Mary". She still did not move, so I shouted louder.  When she still did not move - I started to get really worried - you can imagine what I was thinking. As I walked towards her she awoke and sat up straight.  I blurted out "Thank God, I thought you were dead".  She just smiled and said "I must have dosed off. Can't think why when I have only just gotten out of bed. Still I don't have anything to do today anyway". After sharing a coffee, I went home.  This incidnet go me to thinking about how important it is, no matter how old we are, to make the most of every day. As a baby boomer, I know that my time is limited so I need to make the most of each and every minute.

While there are a myriad of posts about this very thing, I figure I have some additional pointers for people in their prime who may no longer be in the workforce full time or are not quite as directed as they once were when family commitments dictated the daily schedule. I know that when I became redundant in my early 50's, I initially struggled to find a reason to get our of bed early or plan my day . Since then I have reclaimed my day by utilising the following simple self-coach tips.

Self-coach Tips to Making the Most of Your Day

1. Starting the Day right the Night Before: Get a good nights sleep
2. Create a Morning Routine - Your routine will vary from mine but it might include rising at a regular time,getting some exercise like going  for a walk or doing some yoga, eating a healthy breakfast, meditation or prayer, perhaps reading the local paper and getting up to speed on what's happening in your community.
    
3. Plan your Day - spend  15 minutes checking your diary/calendar and making a "to do list".List the most important 3 tasks for your day - must be done. If you get on to the other items on your list it's a bonus. 
4. Going for Your Goals - Don't let the dream get lost in the nitty gritty of the daily grind. Allocate some time each day taking a step towards achieving one of your life's larger goals. You might have a couple of these so choose one for the day and go for it. I have a dream board and a Ready Set Goal Chart above my desk to remind me of where I'm heading. I can already cross off one of my big goals - to complete a through walk. Yeah-ya.
   
    5. Do Something Enjoyable - In the hub hub of the day we can often fall back into "accomplishment mode" where everything is about getting things done as opposed to just doing something for the "fun of it." If you forgotten what that is - spend some time reconnecting with the inner you and find out what that "thing" is. I love to garden and scrapbook.
5. Get Together with Others - Go for coffee with the girls or hang out with your mates for an hour.  Connect with a family member.   Have lunch with a work colleague. If you are house bound then pick up the phone or get online (yes even us oldies can Facebook). Connecting with others improves our health and makes us live longer.  But don't make it all about you.  Ask questions and listen to the responses - become fully engaged with the other person and their worldview.
6.  
7. Be Grateful - It's good for the soul to remember our blessings. No matter how bad our situation is there is always something to be thankful for.   I like to jot down a couple of things that I am thankful for each day (see tip 9) as it helps me put things into perspective and think positive.
8. Manage Your Energy - find your Prime Time - the time of day that your have the most energy and set the most challenging task for this period.  Also identify the time of day where your energy levels or concentration drops off choose activities accordingly. 
9. Review Your Day -  Create a simple routine for the end of the day. I like to look back over my to do list and see what is left to be done.  I also like to journal about the my day recording the highs and lows. This reflection process enables me to plan for tomorrow and keeps me on track towards achieving my bigger goals. It's a bit of a brain dump which clears my mind of all the task orientated matters of the day so I can start to relax before the evening meal. 
10. Unwind-  Before bed (actually when I am in bed) I like to read. At the moment I am doing a 90 devotional for women "Daily Steps for god Chicks by Holly Wagner.  My husband likes o read the National or Australian Geographic.  He generally falls asleep mid article.   

The University of Washington have created a quick tip that also includes a couple of additional hints like : 

• Make use of waiting time - How much time do we waist in a day just waiting - waiting for the train/bus, waiting at the traffic lights; waiting at the doctors; being placed on hold while on the phone etc.  Instead of getting impatient use this time for a mini meditation session (hum a tune or take some deep breaths or do some stretches).  Alternatively do some small task or take a book to read.
• Unplug - in an ever increasing "screen scene" society it can sometimes feel like we can never disconnect. But hey, why not set some boundaries around when and how long you or family members will use computers, mobile phone, ipads and even the plasma.  We are at the moment trialing a 3 months T.V free week -week-ends only.  It's amazing how a good old game of cards can be loads of fun. 

Enjoy Your Day

While none of these ideas are earth shattering, I hope you can make use of some of them to help you bring a little more sunshine into your day. Have a good one.